Deep in the pit of hell that is online dating, I recently complained to my best friend that I wasn't meeting anybody that I felt excited about. I haven't thrown myself into this endeavor as ardently as others I know, but still. A date here, a date there.... all disappointing.
As I re-capped my most recent date I remarked to my best friend that while I have no problem making a decision about whether or not I want to see someone again within 30 minutes, I find it hard to sit with the idea that someone might be able to make a call like that about me. Especially if that call is to never call again. And yet I know, just as certainly as I know that the sun will rise every morning, that I am not the ideal cup of tea for everyone. Shoot. Half the time, I'm not my OWN cup of tea. Which brings me to this post.
My best friend asked me three questions: What kind of guy do you want to be with? What kind of girl does HE want to be with? Are you that kind of girl?
My honest answer right now to the final question is, "Nope, but I'm on my way."
I'm not done becoming (Thank God) and I'm not done working on myself. It's a never ending project, which is great, except when you procrastinate on the never ending project. That's where I've been lately. I'm procrastinating on me. I'm making plans without following through. Yuck. I don't want to date me right now, and I'm afraid that's coming across in the dates I'm going on with other people.
In making "the list" of qualities I would like a partner to value, I realized how far I have to go. I also realized that those qualities were really just things I admire and want to be. Things I value myself and want to cultivate. I'm SO not there yet, but I'm on my way, and procrastination is going to get kicked out the door.
All of that is as true as true can be, but in the process of making that list I also saw how far I've come: a long, long way. I'm so much more the person that I want to be today than I was a year ago. In that year, a lot has changed: I wrote a thesis, I graduated, I was ordained, I moved to Kentucky and now serve an incredible church, I survived a hellish break up, and I still manage to get out of bed every morning. Go, me!
So, here's to all of us un-finished creations: may we get there eventually, and have some grace for ourselves on the way. Go, you!