For Parents: Protecting Your Children from Abuse

Check out these totally sensible tips from an Australian mom (and survivor of childhood sexual abuse) on how to protect your children:

She has the full explanation at her blog, but the spark notes version is this:

1. Have no family secrets... abusers often use secrets against their victims.
2. Don't force children to show affection to other family members
3. Talk to your children about their bodies.... knowledge is power! Keep it age appropriate and let them know that there are special parts that no one is allowed to touch, except if they are quite young and need some help from a parent to clean up, or maybe a doctor.
4. Role play situations....to practice saying "no" if necessary.
5. Teach about feelings
6. Have a family code word... if your kid ever calls, texts, or says the code word to you that's your cue to get them to safety immediately.
7. Use common sense...with who dresses, changes, cares for, sleeps with or near your kid.
8. Let them know you will always believe them.
9. Trust your instincts
10. Be repetitive

These are fantastic tips, not only for protecting your children from abuse, but also just to raise them to have happy healthy lives!
Family secrets are tough to deal with, and facing them out in the open helps when the going gets rough (think funerals, fights, legal settlements, etc.)
Knowing your own body is important and is incredibly helpful with preventative medicine later in life.
Accurately communicating feelings from an early age can go a long way in developing healthy interpersonal relationships later in life.
And if your kids know that you'll always believe them, they'll feel empowered to tell the truth and respect the power of their words and feelings. And they'll know that they always have an advocate.

Check out sevencherubs.com for the in depth version!

What Should We Do?

For most pastors talking about sex - with youth or adults - is off-limits, taboo, delicate and anxiety inducing. Personally, the thought of starting a conversation about sex from scratch in a congregation makes me feel like this:

Is it even worth trying? 

My experiences as a youth, working with youth, and working in churches tell me YES. It is worth the risk, the effort, and the difficulty. The question is how? And perhaps even before that, why? Why is it so important?

In Margaret Farley's Just Love: A Framework for Christian Sexual Ethics she argues that justice and sex are intimately related: 

"In a century that has seen rape as a part of military strategy, poverty as a result of lack of reproductive choice, industries based on the economic exploitation of sex, race joined with gender and class to determine the employment options of groups, the development of a sexual ethic can not be a trivial concern." (p. 13) 

It is not hard to see that the societies of our world struggle with sexual ethics on a broad scale. Sex has always been a public issue, even though it is largely a private act. Our own country has a complex history, politically and religiously, with the control and legislation of sexual activity. If history teaches us we can find that control and legislation have done more harm than good, and it has not contributed to a just sexual ethic. Additionally, sex has become intimately tied to our economy and is continuously used as a marketing tool. Advertising sells sex in a particularly harmful way: saying that sex (and sexiness) is the ultimate ideal, but it is always just out of reach. Never are we "enough" as sexual beings. 

In this sexually polluted marketplace we call "home," how are we to navigate our sexuality and sexual relationships? Even for adults with level heads and reasoning skills it is a daunting task. How much more daunting is it for our children and young adults? How should the church be serving the people of God in this matter?

The "who" and "how" are are now pressing for attention. For the purposes of my project the "who" are Christian congregations, particularly the youth and young people of these congregations as a part of the larger inter-generational whole. My claim is that sex education (of both the biological and spiritual sort) is not a problem for youth and youth ministers alone. Without the support of mentors, the language to speak openly, and the confidence of a listening ear our youth will never develop of sexual ethic they believe in and can actively follow. Without the support of their whole congregation youth will be unable and ill equipped to embrace their God-given sexuality without considerable harm in the process. In turn, congregations and the individuals, couples, and families within them will be unable to bring the whole of themselves and their relationships to their spiritual community and even to God. 

This leaves a gaping hole in our larger society. There are many loud voices about Christian sexuality that are easily accessible. They offer concrete answers as to what activities are allowed and in what contexts. These louder voices often support gender roles that suppress women and leave no room for sexual expression between members of the same-sex. Statistics show us that these "programs" for sexual ethics or conditioning don't work. Teens who take a vow of chastity until marriage only delay sexual activity and are more likely to substitute anal or oral sex for vaginal intercourse, and they are less likely to use condoms during any of these activities. STD rates are approximately the same between virginity pledgers and non-pledgers. 

Churches that are typically classed as liberal or progressive are much quieter in comparison to the louder more conservative voices. It's my project (which you can keep up with on this blog) to find out what churches should be doing to fill the gap and encourage healthy, faithful relationships (sexual or not) between congregants. I hope to find some of the quiet voices that are speaking and highlight their work and offer suggestions as to the duty we as the Church have both to our young people and our world. 

What do you think we should do? What isn't working? More importantly, what IS working?

Scarleteen

Friends,

Though my project is largely concerned with sex ed in a religious context, I wanted to lift up this educational resource aimed at teens and folks in their 20's. Like many of the Christian sex ed resources I'm studying (a report on those coming soon) Scarleteen firmly believes in the decision making power and agency of teens - IF they are given accurate information!

I haven't done a lot of searching around on their website (I've only spent an hour or so browsing) but it seems to provide accurate and helpful information about STI's, contraception, and all sorts of other body questions. It also provides reasoning tools and a readiness checklist for teens trying to discern if they are ready to be sexually active. It provides information about what "consent" means, and provides resources for teens exploring their sexuality intellectually, emotionally, and physically. It's also incredibly interactive with well-monitored message boards and a text-your-question option that will connect you with a staff person or volunteers.

Click here to access their page for "first time visitors." I searched "religion" in their search engine and came up with a number of articles and questions dealing with religious themes. A great many of them (possibly even the majority) are from young people struggling to reconcile their faith traditions teaching about sex (as sinful, as reserved for a marriage, as off-limits for discussion, etc) with their friend's activities, their own discovery of sexuality, or even dealing with sexually traumatic experiences. Most posts refer readers to their pastor, rabbi, or religious leader for questions about the theological underpinnings to their understandings of sex but readers are also encouraged to do some research on their own (reading books, talking to friends and people of all ages, seeking out multiple voices within their faith tradition, and self examination).

It's a pretty amazing resource for young people seeking accurate information about their bodies and tools for navigating through the hormones.

Twilight Revelations

After my last post on what Eighters Camp seeks to teach or accomplish, I wondered (and you may have, too), "Does it really work?" 

Every program must be able to demonstrate it's efficacy. So, does Eighters work? 

I'm still sifting through my interviews and notes from camp, but one memory in particular stands out:

After camp, Sarah went home and flipped through her Student Resource Manual. While at camp she had been re-reading Twilight, the now [in]famous vampire and werewolf teen Bible. It's one of her favorite books. As she got to the end of her manual she saw the "Controlling Relationship Checklist." As she read a few of the statements on it, she flipped through the first few chapters of Twilight and compared Edward Cullen's behavior to the checklist and she discovered....

Edward Cullen is a controlling boyfriend!

You may be wondering, "What's the big deal?" The big deal is that for our current generation of young teenagers (and even a strange group of women called "Twimoms") Edward Cullen has been made into the epitome of romance and desire. In reality, his behavior is controlling, over-protective, diminishes Bella's desires, etc. etc. It's all there in the checklist! 

Sarah's revelation was a sign to me that Eighters works. She immediately applied knowledge that she acquired at camp, used the resources she was provided with to check out a hunch, and evaluated a character who was her heart-throb. She then decided that he wasn't all that worthy of her love and affection, after all! 

I would say that it's a miracle, but really: it's just camp.   It works.  

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

PS. This one's just for fun: 

Your Present is Sacred

Most campers who attend Tall Oaks Camp and Conference Center will tell you: It is my favorite place on earth. 


Having grown up going to camp there and now counseling, I whole heartedly agree. I most recently counseled a camp for 14 year olds called "Eighters." It uses a curriculum designed by CLER Ministries and it centers around spirituality and sexuality. Seeing as the motto for CLER is "just say know" they value education and reasoning skills and put a lot of faith in high schoolers and their ability to make good decisions based on good knowledge and research. 


Eighters Camp imparts helpful knowledge about the Bible, spirituality, sexuality, puberty, arousal, dating pitfalls, controlling and abusive relationships, contraceptives, and sexually transmitted infections. Campers are encouraged to call body parts and sexual activities by their proper names. Over the course of the week I can see and observe campers gaining more confidence in their knowledge of their own bodies and processes, in their value and worth as human beings, and gaining more respect for each other. 


As a counselor, I have the privilege of having tough conversations, trying to answer tough questions, and being God's hands and feet with the campers. I am continually amazed by the campers I talk with; their vulnerability, honesty, care, wisdom, and spirit is often overwhelming. That's right... I said wisdom. When you give them a chance, 14 year olds will surprise you with their spiritual wisdom, kindness, and reasoning skills. 


To me, that's what Eighters Camp is all about: giving them a chance. We give them the chance to see themselves as creatures created by God, to ask questions and get honest answers, to hear the truth about God's gift of sexuality and how precious it is and finally, to hear the truth about how precious they are.


As wonderful as all of this sounds, people - including teenagers - make mistakes. We treat each other poorly. We take advantage of the gifts given to us (like sex) and use them inappropriately. We bully others and even ourselves into believing that we are less than children of God. In order to deal with this, we have a worship service centered around forgiveness. 


At the beginning, each camper is given a small ball of clay and during the service they are invited to mold that clay into whatever shape they think represents their own self. Here's mine. I spread it all out in a long strip and rolled it up because I often feel that I am too self-centered and me-focused. 

The campers are then invited to come forward with the clay representation of their soul to meet two counselors. The first counselor takes the clay and rolls it back into a smooth ball saying, "Your past is forgiven." The second counselor then takes the clay in her hand and presses the camper's thumb into it, creating a thumbprint saying, "Your present is sacred."

I remember thinking to myself, "If God can transform my self-centered soul into an individual piece of art, God can really do anything. My past is forgiven; I don't have to dwell. My present is sacred; I can truly live." And that's the point: even with you, even a 14 year old whose hormones are out of control, even with someone who has really screwed up, God can make you whole again. God can make your life worth living. 

That is the message our young people need to hear. It's so much more than "Don't have sex." Instead, it gives them a reason to wait and consider it carefully. Because they are holy, smart, worthy, and beloved. 

At the end of camp the same words are given as the benediction, with something more added: 

Your past is forgiven. 

Your present is sacred. 

Your future is safe in the hands of God. 

And the people of God said, "Amen."